Holding My Hand

“Break my heart for what breaks yours.”  This prayer has changed my life.  My heart is broken and my eyes were opened to the orphan crisis.  Who would ask for a broken heart?  It HURTS!  It has challenged me and it has forced me out of my comfort zone.  It has been difficult…but, BEAUTIFUL!  Along this journey, I have learned so much about the heart of God that I would not have known otherwise.  I have learned that there is a difference in believing in God and having a personal relationship with him.  I have learned that God can use anyone… even me! 

The more I learned, the more I ached to adopt…. But, it seemed impossible.  There were many things that seemed to stand in our way.  In March of this year, a friend loaned me the book "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman.  While I was lying in bed reading, my 3 year old son crawled up and cuddled in next to me.  I told him that he had to lay there quietly because I was really into this book!   Sawyer kept pulling on my arm, trying to get my attention... again, I told him to be quiet.  In the book, the Chapman family was releasing balloons in memory of their daughter Maria.  As they let go of the balloons, one of the kids looked down to see a ladybug on her hand.  Since Maria had always loved ladybugs, they saw this as a sign from God.  As I was reading, I began to ask myself if I am open to SEE God's plan for me.  I was specifically questioning adoption.  I began to pray.  I needed a sign… a giant, neon, flashing sign!  My son continued to pull at my arm.  I finally put the book down and looked at him.  He smiled at me, pointed at the ceiling, and said, "Look mom, a ladybug!!!  I think she's looking for her momma".   Yes, directly above my head, a ladybug was crawling on the ceiling!   So, I was sure … but, Mike was not.  My heart hurt!

The following Sunday, we listened to two men give their testimonies at church.  They were visiting that day and were on their way to Colombia to start an orphanage.  The first man started his testimony with James 1:27.  My tears began to fall.  This verse was everywhere lately!  I could relate so much to everything he was saying.  I looked over to Mike and he was wiping away his tears.  Mike doesn't cry... this was huge!   These men explained that they are nothing special.  That they are holding on tight to God's hand and he is leading them.  Things that had seemed impossible were made possible by trusting God!  I thought about everything that had happened in our life over the past year and I was overwhelmed by God's love and faithfulness!  Instead of going directly into the sermon, our pastor decided to take some time to pray. He said that he felt God was working in the hearts of some of the congregation.  Maybe he saw me crying… I don't know.  With our heads down and our eyes closed, he asked that if God is moving you to take action, raise your hand.  WE did!  This was us, taking our first steps together on our adoption journey! 

God has shown me that, with him, nothing is impossible!  We have taken a leap of faith and applied to adopt through a special needs program in China.  I still get scared.  Not everyone is supportive.  We don’t know how we will pay for it.  I have to remind myself everyday that God is in control.  I struggle… but, when I look back at what God has done in our life, I can’t help but get excited to see what happens next!  I’m so thankful that God is holding my hand through it all!